On Thursday, Tyra Banks interviewed a few sad young homos who hate the fact that they’re gay and even have a plan for “turning” themselves straight by the time they hit 30. The whole show is cleverly packaged and makes for great television but we have to ask if the confusion these kids are going through is anything new at all. Sure, growing up is not easy and coming out is difficult. But millions of young gay men and women coming out around the world in different socio-cultural and religious contexts have experienced the same confusion these kids are experiencing. Children aren’t born thinking homosexuals are disgusting, perverts, paedophiles and incapable of monogamy. These are all ideas taught to the kid as he grows up — in the family, in school, within the faith community. Kids are not born homophobic anymore than they can be born sexist, racist or ageist. And of course when a kid suddenly realises that he’s gay himself, his world comes crashing in and he can’t help but hate himself.
And let’s not even get me started on this idea that you can somehow turn off some switch somewhere so you can actually *stop* being gay. By the end of the show, it all becomes apparent where Shane and Marc get the idea that they can wave this magic wand and *become* straight again — it’s from their parents’ religious beliefs and the ex-gay conferences they’ve been attending.
What caught our attention though is the story of the third man Elian, who’s gay but actually fell in love with a woman, married her and had a daughter with her. His decision to marry her, as far as we can tell from the show, was not inspired by a desire to conform to some prescribed heteronormative model. Elian’s story goes to show that sexuality and gender identity is never as black-and-white as some people would like to have it, but having come full circle, his advice to Shane and Marc is to NOT choose the road that he took. We hope they take up his advice.
9 Responses
February 23rd, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Great article.
Given their age, I don’t see anything unusual here….
February 24th, 2009 at 11:21 am
I agree with Bernie about the age thing. These guys are at an age where you start questioning things and not being what you want to be whether straight, gay, or well anything.
Being in the UK I didn’t get to see the programme in full so I may be making the wrong judgement on it, but on the basis of what I’ve read, I think it was a bad call to even broadcast it, especially if there were younger viewers there, who are already being made to feel they’re “wrong”.
February 25th, 2009 at 12:19 am
This was extremely confusing, but I guess these guys are speaking from the heart, and saying whatever they feel just as soon as the vapid thought enters their head. What woman will want to go with a gay man who hates himself, and others like him, and who is disgusted by her “cave”? I think such guys are better off remaining entirely celibate, for their own good and for the women and gay men that they are so repelled by and who would inevitably be badly hurt by any attempt at a relationship.
February 25th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
I saw this program after experiencing similar feelings of self-hatred in my coming out and divorce. I have also been influenced by the ex-gay movement and know how detrimental it can be to one’s mental health (please check out the film “Chasing the Devil” for more insight). I fought myself and almost died over trying to conform…it cannot be done. One cannot change the inner nature. The few “success” stories of “ex-gays” were probably bi-sexual anyway. It pains me to see this self-hatred continue.
February 25th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
I don’t understand why he wants to wait until he’s 30. If he hates being gay, why doesn’t he start now, trying to act like he’s straight. Like everyone knows, those feelings are always going to be there. You can decide how you want to live your life. Personally, I know I am gay. I would love to have a socially acceptable lifestyle and marry and man. But that doesn’t make it any easier, gay or straight. I don’t want to involve another person when it comes to my personal struggles. I am not going to try and change the one I love just to make society, my family or anyone else happy. It’s your own true happiness. Before you are with anyone, you must be happy with yourself. No one turns gay or turns straight. You are what you are. Yes, you can decide to live whatever way you want, but ultimately if you try to be someone your not, you will end up hurting you and potentially hurting your loved ones as well.
February 26th, 2009 at 4:14 am
It’s mind-wrenchingly painful to see this sort of self-loathing, because I’ve been there. After spending my school years in the closet hiding who I really was, it was a tremendous relief when I finally came out. I’ve been openly gay since 1988 and words can’t describe how much happier I am being honest with myself.
March 10th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
It’s very frustrating seen all this people being told and wanting to =choose a side= and painful to know that- bisexuality, as natural and beautiful as it is, is completely shocking for them, the term is not even mentioned! Ignorance. Bisexuality is not 50-50, all those ‘gay men’ with women and vice versa are genuine examples of how bisexuality applies to all, just in different percentages. It’s completely natural and it should be considered in all this.
March 19th, 2009 at 2:21 am
I know the feeling, but I’ll be 30 in the coming months. Maybe I’ll be able to achieve asexuality by the time I’m 35.
March 30th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
come on this is just fake
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