Awkward Sex: 7 Boner-Killing Moments

If you believe everything you see in porn, sex is always hot and perfectly synchronized. However, as we all know, the reality is usually different. We take a tongue-in-cheek look at seven awkward sex moments. How many have you had?

Watching too much porn can give you a distorted view of sex. Performers with the 'perfect' bodies fucking in the most orgasmic positions and producing the hardest and longest cumshots. It's enough to make anyone feel inferior. But let's not forget that porn if fiction: it's a story involving actors and incorporating multiple cameras, reshoots and editing. You think porn actors don't face awkward sex moment like failing to get a hard-on? Er, that's why the fluffer exists.

As us non-porn people can contest, non-staged sex can often be awkward and graceless. Think terrible kissing techniques, shriveled dick syndrome, and farting – or worse, sharting! – while being fucked. The trick to dealing with clumsy sex is either to laugh it off, or – if it's a chronic issue with a regular partner – practicing to make perfect.

Awkward sex: 7 boner-killing moments

So, whether you're being clumsy with your cock or bungling with your butt, here are seven awkward gay sex moments that you may come across. Which of these have you experienced and which would you add to the list? Share your clumsy cocktails with the community at the end of the article!

1. You’re going to do what with that?

We’ve all been there. You’ve picked up a hunk in the bar and dragged him back to your flat, whipped down his pants and then… Well, things can either go one of two ways. A) What he has between his legs looks like a stunted carrot from your grandfather’s allotment, or B) his bulging bratwurst is liable to send you to hospital with mangled kidneys. Which would you prefer?

Awkward sex: busted butt anyone?

2. Beware the hair

One of the delights, but also perils, of the male form, is facial hair, and there’s a fine line between the erotic sensation of it gently rubbing against your skin and second-degree burns on your bell-end. Then, of course, there’s that all-too-common awkward sex issue of pubic hair stuck between your teeth or in your mouth. One or two can sometimes be an unfortunate inevitability, but you don’t want to look like a semi-starved cow chewing rampantly at the cud. Not everyone wants to burrow deep into the Amazon forest.

3. Taking your time (or not)

That awkward sex moment when you’re just getting your engines revving and you realize you've already blown your gasket. Yep, you’re so turned on that it’s over before it’s begun. Or, equally as undesirable, the complete and utter inability to cum.

“Then, of course, there’s that all-too-common awkward sex issue of pubic hair stuck between your teeth or in your mouth.”

He’s pulled out every trick of whoredom in the book: tugged on your nipples like he’s ringing the bells of Notre Dame; polished your cock until his tongue’s blistered; and called you every deliciously filthy, slutty name under the sun – and yet you still can’t finish. Time to surrender and go and make a nice cup of tea.

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4. Disastrous dimensions

Just as cock size can be an issue, so too can be the receiving vessel. Ungainly antics can follow when you find yourself swirling around an anus which resembles the Black Hole of Calcutta. At the other end of the scale, a tight hole is much celebrated in the gay world – but not to the extent that it should cut off the blood supply to your dick. Time to exercise some patience and a little light jabbing.

You're so tight, man! shutterstockk/Lopolo

5. Lube issues

Few gays are self-lubricating (and those who are, may carry a drip tray), making lube a necessity in sexual relations. Attempting to delicately open the sachet of lube while in the throes of passion is always a challenge.

“That awkward sex moment when you're just getting your engines revving and you realize you've already blown your gasket.”

Then, of course, there’s the catastrophe of running out of lubricant just as you’re gagging to go for round three. So, don't be a cheapskate: stock up on a large supply of bottled lube to avoid any inelegant fumbling.

6. Piercings and punctures

The unexpected sight of a Prince Albert is arguably one of the wonders of the world – but do try and keep a tap on your joy. Remember that that shiny, brutal looking piece of metal is attached to something rather delicate – bear this in mind as it rattles around your mouth dislodging your fillings. One misplaced tug and a genital piercing will have you ending up in a most compromising situation.

7. Messy sex

There’s no getting away from it: unless you're a side, gay sex involves butts and can sometimes get messy and therefore awkward. But you should expect the unexpected – and don’t get pissy if your sheets end up resembling a hospital bed following a minor battle in the Crimean War. Accidents will and do happen. If you’re too hung up on not making a mess while you’re banging away, then you really do need to address it. Enjoy the moment!

The bottom line: awkward sex

However much you may crave hot and horny sex, it's almost never like in a porn movie – and why should it be? Because porn is fictional and not real-life. When you have a clumsy moment during sex, instead of freaking out about it, just have a giggle, get over it and move on. So, next time he farts as you're fucking your fella (or anyone), make a joke out of it and put that person at ease! Indeed, laughing during sex is the signal of a great relationship, so keep it frisky yet fun! •
Main image: shutterstock/Lopolo

How many of these awkward sex experiences have you had? Got any other funny ones to share? Comment below...

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Awkward Sex: 7 Boner-Killing Moments

If you believe everything you see in porn, sex is always hot and perfectly synchronized. However, as we all know, the reality is usually different. We take a tongue-in-cheek look at seven awkward sex moments. How many have you had?