Sex with Trans Men | Confronting Prejudice

Today, more and more trans people are on gay hook-up apps, which were once cis-male only. But what do you need to know about having sex with a trans man and how do you confront prejudice? We take a look.

Challenging prejudice

Gay male culture can be aggressively macho, misogynistic and transphobic. You should feel no need to justify who you've decided to date or have sex with, and it's your business – no one else's. However, facing prejudice can be an inevitability when you say you're dating a trans man. Ask yourself who your friends are. Would real friends react in a hostile, discriminatory manner? Who are the people you hang out with? Does this need to change?

Dealing with questions

Prejudice often comes from ignorance – and confusion. But this does not mean that you should tolerate vile transphobic remarks. Stop them immediately. Boldly state that such sentiments are unacceptable - period. But if a friend has questions then answer them in a measured way. You have an opportunity here to re-educate and change attitudes.

However, some questions should not be asked. Crude comments on anatomy, for example, are unacceptable. There's a big difference between being inquisitive and being vulgar and hurtful.

Examine your motivations

Confronting friends' prejudices is just one step in embracing the new experience of dating a trans man. That can be the easier part. Mercilessly analyzing your motivations can be trickier. 

Are you dating a trans man for the right reasons? It's not an opportunity to dabble in something new. Another person's feelings are at stake here. Don't, under any circumstances, fetishize a trans man. It falls into the same category as fetishizing a black man or a man who is HIV-positive. 

So, let's talk a bit about what fetishizing a trans man may look like. He is not there to be subservient (unless this is mutually agreed consensually). He most certainly is not your "pussy boy" to use just one arguably misogynistic term. And this brings us neatly on to our next point.

Don't medicalize the identity of a trans man 

All people are thinking and emotional beings. They're not just body parts. If you're hung up on whether a person has a penis or a vagina, then dating a trans man isn't going to end well.

Sex is a cognitive as well as a physical act. Yes, it's fine to be unsure about how to have sex with your new partner. But it would be best if you had that conversation. Ask them what will work for them. Listen, and take the time to understand what is going to make them feel good and respected sexually.

Any hole is not the goal

Gay men can be obsessed with what goes where, how big it is, and whether it's going to fit. Dating a trans man means acknowledging that penetration isn't the only way to get your rocks off.

There are many ways to have sex: oral, massage, nipple play, and all manner of kinks. It doesn't all have to be about anal. Sex is a moveable feast. And dating a trans man can be the perfect opportunity to explore every sumptuous dish on the menu.

Find out what your partner wants

The hard truth: this isn't all about you. But it is about taking the time to understand a different kind of body. Experimentation comes from ongoing dialogue. What gets your other half off? What are the new things that send you both into that eye spinning moment of ultimate gurnification? Time and patience are the keys.

Challenge your ideas about sub and Dom dynamics

Dating a trans man means questioning your ideas about who is a sub and who is a Dom. Please don't assume that your partner is a sub because they're trans. Not all trans men want to have your dangly bits inserted into their vagina. Likewise, not all cis gay men are interested in taking regular back door deliveries. 

Open your mind to a new level of experience. Who knows, you could end up being the sub for a change. Treat every sexual encounter and every new partner as an opportunity to re-write your outdated sexual mindset.

Trust and privacy

And here we get back to other people's opinions. Sadly, you can expect impertinent questions from others about what's occurred in your boudoir. You are under no obligation to answer them. Indeed, you should not.

Sex is about trust, and it's about growing together, which can be exciting and life-changing. So, tell those nosy phallus-obsessed queens to keep their big beaks out! Surely, they have enough issues to tackle in their own lacklustre sex lives without interring in yours. 

Are you a cis gay male dating a trans man? What advice would you give? Let us know what we've missed out by commenting below.

Cover image: model released from Shutterstock.com