Is gay romance possible in the era of the semi-anonymous hook-up? You bet it is. Alex Hopkins shares his Top 8 dating tips on how you can find love in the demanding digital age.
As much as the gays are known to enjoy healthy sex lives with multiple partners, many of us are still secretly or not-so-secretly hankering after finding love as well. Indeed, being a complete whore and wanting to wake up with the man of your dreams every day are not mutually exclusive (why do you think the gays are leaders when it comes to open relationships). Sadly, the LGBTQ+ media itself often over-sexualizes our community without acknowledging that we may be looking for love and not just a hot hook-up.
So, what if you're stuck on hook-ups, remaining single but really looking for love? Whether you've got your eye on a cute cub, gorgeous geek or a tempting transgirl, there are ways of encouraging gay romance into your life – but you have to change your dating habits and be persistent.
How to find love as a gay man: 8 top tips
Yep, like giving up smoking or learning a new language (German anyone?), you've first got to be really open to your decision and dedicated. You have to be truly ready to finding love and romance if you want to happen. No half measures. If you're sick of the gay dating merry-go-round, you've got to make a conscious decision to step off and attract love.
But this isn't always easy, especially when it comes to balancing our carnal desires with our aching for something more romantic and meaningful. We may have the best intentions to look for love, then as soon as our butts or cocks start twitching, the apps get re-downloaded and it's time to order a quick fuck-fix. Patience, forming new habits and resilience are key.
1. Say my name, say my name
Anonymous sex is nothing new. Yes, technology has made ordering a shag as easy as getting your weekly food shop delivered, but gay men have always been partial to a saucy takeaway – they just don’t have to wait around in a damp toilet for hours or getting trashed in their local gay bar to capture the salami these days. But – even way back in the mists of time – if two guys hit it off they’d usually do that little, yet most human of things and, y'know, exchange names (yep, before exchanging sperm).
If you're looking for how to find love as a gay man then make sure do the same online before you meet up with that hot date. Either include your name in your profile or offer up in your first message to the person you're keen on. It's much more romantic, appealing and curiosity-sparking than 'hey, how are you?', 'horny? or 'wanna suck me off?'.
Wanna taste gay romance? Course you do! shutterstock/Ann Rodchua
2. Changing direction
Indeed, make sure you get that hot dude's name right at the start of your online interaction – not as an after-thought while you’re wiping his DNA from your new quiff. If you're hoping to find gay romance then you only get out what you put in – and you need to change the way you do things to achieve a better quality product. The ingredients remain the same, but it’s about how you mix them together – and the time and effort you put into doing this. So, what does this mean in practice?
3. Be Mr Mysterious
At the most fundamental level, this means resisting the urge to send him pictures of your one-eyed monster or an image of your gaping butt hole, which is so lurid that the object of your desires can ascertain precisely how many dump-trucks have travelled up your fast lane over the last year!
“If you're hoping for gay romance then you only get out what you put in – and you need to change the way you do things to achieve a better quality product.”
OK, the peculiar mechanics of gay fucking and anal sex means that to avoid wasting time you should maybe have a discussion about who is top and who is bottom. But once that’s been established (merely by ticking the appropriate boxes on your profile), try and keep your online intercourse away from the topic of intercourse! Finding gay romance isn't easy in this day and age and you need to change the way you communicate and the language you use.
4. Find out what he likes
What are his interests? If he's an artistic type, maybe he's into philosophy, musicals or photography. Or perhaps he has a passion for the outdoors and loves to spend his free time in nature, sailing or rock climbing? If you're looking to find love as a gay man then you really do need to find out what your potential date is interested in and see if you have anything in common.
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Once you've established some common ground and exchanged some banter, it's time to get romantic and start talking about meeting up in real life. What you don’t want to get into is endless chat that goes on and on for weeks. Where would he like to go for a date? Once you established that he's up for it, it’s time to do that wonderfully old-fashioned thing and meet in person – because that's only where the real romance can start to blossom.
Finding love as a gay man take effort and patience oneinchpunch
5. A daring date
Consider choosing somewhere exciting or unusual for your first date. Avoid big, loud – and especially cruisy – gay pubs and clubs. Go for something quirky, quaint and quiet – somewhere you can talk and get to know each other better.
Beautiful views or interesting interiors are going to impress him, and they also serve as a talking point. The choice of venue should reflect your personality. Make a statement which ensures he comes back for more. Romance is built on memories – create one of your first date which you’ll (hopefully) think about for years to come.
6. Keeping things warm, but not boiling
So, the first date went wonderfully. You hit it off; the ‘chemistry’ is there. What you do next is vital. You need to show that you’re keen, but not come over as desperate bunny boiler. It’s fine to text him the next day and say you enjoyed yourself – but keep things cool. If you want to see him again, then ask!
“If you're hoping for gay romance then you only get out what you put in – and you need to change the way you do things to achieve a better quality product.”
But, again, don’t blurt it all out in one needy message. If you want to increase your chances of finding love then pace yourself – but don’t just sit around and wait for him to make the next move. Romance means taking the initiative and putting yourself out there with confidence – which is not only romantic but also attractive and sexy. Perform a metaphorical striptease and bag that elusive second date.
7. Forget the grand gestures
The songs tell you that gay romance is all red roses and being flown him to the moon after candlelit dinners in Paris. Erase all of that from your mind. Grand gestures are frequently corny, cliched and empty. You need to keep doing things which neither of you has done before. Getting to know one another means communicating – but romance also means reading the silences and working out what he would love to do from what he doesn’t tell you. True romance is subtle, not loud and brash.
8. Keep your pants on...
The perennial question is “after how many dates should we do it?” There’s no correct answer – it depends on the sort of couple you’re becoming. Whipping out your wanger right away will, of course, destroy any sense of mystery – but neither are you in a Charlotte Bronte novel. Sexual tension combined with the beginnings of genuine intimacy can be an incendiary combination. Careful romancing can be the byway which gets you there.
The bottom line: gay romance
In a digital world where quick hook-ups often rule, it can be hard finding gay romance. But that doesn't mean that it's impossible. A lot of it really comes down to how you use dating apps and websites and how you advertise yourself. Make it known in your dating profile that you're looking to find love and open to dates first, rather than quick fucks. Make use of the dating and speed dating pages on gays and GAUDI to get yourself out there.
And when you're feeling super horny, try to resist the urge to meet guys just for sex if it is only leaves you empty (just bash one out instead). Finding love as a gay man comes with its challenges, but you have the power to overcome them. Keep your eyes on the prize. Good luck! •
Main image: shutterstock/oneinchpunch
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