Group sex in gay relationships – how does it work?

Group sex plays a part in many gay men’s relationships – but it can potentially cause problems within a partnership. Alex Hopkins investigates.

“I felt caught in between, discarded, a spare part,” James tells me. He’s talking about his experiences of group sex while in a relationship with his now deceased partner, Bill. The pair lived together for 30 years but were only “a couple” for just over three. “He could never be faithful and was always playing around,” James, now in his sixties, tells me. “It was terrible because I had a romantic idea of what our relationship should be. I wanted monogamy.” When James realized that this wasn’t going to happen with Bill, he agreed to participate in several group sex scenarios, involving one other partner or more – but it never worked out, “I always came away feeling empty and unwanted; the others got more attention – and worst of all, Bill gave them more attention than me.”

James’ experiences with group sex in a partnership mirror my own: I tried it years ago while in a relationship, but only at the beginning, as we had just started dating. My jealousy came to the fore. Was my new partner really into me? Did he prefer the others in the group? Wasn’t I enough? In my head, I was counting every time he touched me versus each swipe he took at the genitals of the other anonymous participants. Net result: it became unendurable, and I wandered off to fix myself a large Vodka, fuming in the next room as the others grunted and groaned themselves to extravagant climaxes.

It's clear from just a quick perusal of gay apps like Grindr that group sex, at least on the surface, is something that works for many gay men in couples. The tag lines scream with “Top and bottom seeking bottoms and tops”; “top and bottom seeking versatile”; “two bottoms seeking top” (although I am not quite sure how that one works!). If this is anything to go by, many gay men’s sex lives seem to be ever-rampant Rubik’s cubes with any number of possible combinations. But behind the boudoir doors, is everything as harmonious as it sounds?

“We like to spice things up,” Joe tells me, who has been in a relationship with Ben for three years and the open nature of their partnership was there right from the beginning. “We had an honest conversation about what we wanted – lots of sex and not just with one another, casual sex too” Ben explains. “Men are programmed to be promiscuous. It’s the way we are. To deny that causes problems, I think.” Group sex is something that the pair both enjoy, but crucially it doesn’t involve emotion. “It’s purely mechanical,” adds Ben. “It’s about getting off, experimenting with our bodies, with other people’s. Those are the rules, and there’s never been any deviation from that.”



But for others, trust has to be established before they include other men. Paul and Mario were together for three years before they started to have group sex. It was something they were cautious about, and they began gradually with the odd threesome. Over time more partners were added. They now go to sex parties advertised online and also sex clubs, but their bond, Paul says, is not based upon this. “We both have to want it, and we don’t do it all the time. There is, I think, a difference between the odd bit of fun and habitual behavior. When it becomes an addiction, I believe that it can damage your relationship. We’ve seen this happen with friends.”

After being together for five years, Wayne and Brian decided to open their relationship up. They’d had plenty of group sex while they were both single, but – much like James – wanted a committed one-on-one relationship, which changed as time went on. “I guess we thought that as we had group sex in our youth, why not have it in a couple? Would it be that different to how it was before we were together? What would we feel?” asks Wayne. The pair set up a trial period of a few months, but things didn’t work out. “After the initial novelty of it, I decided I didn’t like it,” says Brian. “It felt like I was sharing my man, although Wayne didn’t feel this way. He thought things were ok.” Resentment set in and after a lengthy discussion the couple decided to abandon the arrangement. “Ultimately, although I enjoyed it, my respect for what Brian wanted was more important,” concludes Wayne.

While these stories show that group sex has always been an element of some gay men’s relationships, the way we now “play with others” has undergone significant changes in recent years – mainly due to the new phenomenon of Chem Sex. James remembers how things were when he was with Bill: “The group sex we had was largely sober sex. Yes, booze could be involved and spliffs, but not hard drugs.” If you’re looking online for group sex today, then it’s the norm for Chems to be involved, this complicates how some couples negotiate group sex.

Chris and Phil, in their late twenties, don’t remember a time when Chems weren’t part of a group situation. “If you turn up at someone’s home you know everyone there is going to be on Mephedrone and GHB,” Chris shrugs. “You take it as a given – and you’re often expected to bring supplies.” Having group sex on drugs has led to problems. “Paranoia can set in with me,” Phil says. “The mood of night – or nights that often turn into days – has often dramatically shifted. I’ve wanted out. It just becomes darker. It’s led to rows, unspoken animosity between us. I’m not happy with it, but we then go back and do it again. The Chems blur boundaries, warp your thinking. It can potentially destabilize an otherwise stable relationship, and this has changed how gay men have sex. How we manage this is another major challenge that we all face, I think.”

What are your experiences of group sex or threesomes in your relationship? Does it work?  Share below.