8 Playful Ways to Beat Premature Ejaculation

It’s second only to the ultimate shame of not being able to get it up: your Wilful Weapon of Ass Destruction is so overzealous that he drops his barrage of bombs within moments of invasion. Gays.com shows you how to beat premature ejaculation with some playful tips.

Stop being so selfish  

Here’s a revolutionary thought: the world doesn't revolve solely around you – and neither is it, contrary to what you may believe, totally fixated on your crotch. In other words: stop being a self-obsessed lover. Frantic foreplay before a pounding can be just one way rather than two ways – and not just all your way. Yes, how about you leave your gear stick alone while you munch wholeheartedly on your partner’s? The trick is – no matter how turned on you get – resisting even putting the tip of your little pinkie on your japs eye. You can do it! 

Playing with the precipice  

Edging is now apparently so popular that an entirely new genre of porn videos is devoted to it – usually with some poor queen tied up and crying in extreme exasperation as some godlike figure pokes and prods while refusing to let him gush. Why not bring such delightful torture into your own bedroom? The tip of your cock is the most sensitive part, so focus on the base and work your way upwards and then, just as you think you’re about to repaint the beige walls, whip off your hand and return to base camp! 



Edgy stuff!  Image courtesy of BoundGods.com 

Calamity Kegel  

Kegel exercises were invented by the esteemed Doctor Arnold Kegel decades ago. We’re basically talking about pelvic floor exercises, which were originally designed for the ladies. It’s based on repeated contraction of the pubococcygeus muscles. Alternatively, you could just try and repeat the word ‘pubococcygeus’, pronouncing it as quickly and correctly as possible. When you’re in danger of spunking one out – it will probably help divert your attention, while also giving the neighbours serious cause to believe that your sex games have finally moved into the realms of serious perversion.

Donald Trump’s undercarriage…  

A truly hideous thought, I know, but even the vilest things in this world serve a purpose in desperate times. Distract yourself to prolong reaching the point of no return. Take a very deep breath and move your mind to something infinitely tedious or foul. If Melania can do it, so can you.

Squeeze that shaft  

Ok, this one does sound rather dodgy, but give it a go. When you think you’re on the brink, pull back and squeeze – or invite your partner to squeeze – your Lincoln Log just under its head. Hold your fingers there for up to 20 seconds (no cheating by giving it a cheeky massage) and then pause any further stimulation for another 30 seconds. Repeat as required.

Does anyone really fuck like that?

Let’s get real here: does anyone really fuck for thirty minutes at a time without stopping as they do in porn? Highly unlikely. Keep your expectations in check and delay the great gushing by stopping and starting as required. In the interim, foreplay is your friend. Think of sex as less of an a la carte meal and more of a finger buffet.  


Foreplay is your friend...
 

Desensitised dick  

Again, this one sounds rather risqué – but it works. Apply topical treatment to the tip of your Tonsil Tickler to desensitise it. You can also get condoms which are lubricated with a local anaesthetic. Just be careful: don’t get carried away and plunge your piston into your other half’s mouth – even if you are into some unimaginably kinky dentist role play scenario. Oh, and do ensure that any creams and potions you use are clinically proven and safe, or you could end up with a cock which feels like your mouth might do after a 24-hour coke binge. 
 

Prick pills  

There’s a rather delicious irony in the fact that the drugs used to treat depression are also used – in lower doses – to kerb the Custard Launcher. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) such as paroxetine, sertraline and fluoxetine prolong ejaculation, while the drug Dapoxetine has been specifically designed to treat premature ejaculation. If the name itself doesn’t fill you with horror (but again, some of you twisted buggers will get really turned on by this), then Shockwave Therapy is also now available from selected private clinics such as Harley Street Men’s Clinic.

Keep your nerve, investigate all the options, take professional advice and, above all, trust in the unstoppable power of your Pile Pummeler.