Just Too Damn Hot | Problems with Being the Perfect Guy

The stunningly perfect gay man is envied by legions – but what are the problems of being obscenely good looking? We look at the obsession with beauty from the other side of the looking glass.

Problem with being the perfect guy 1: Everyone falls in love with you

There’s a big difference between being the dream guy and looking like the dream guy. The gays take one gander at you, drench their Calvin’s and rush off to buy the wedding ring. Why? Because gay men have been programmed from year dot to spot ‘the perfect gay man’.

Dark, tall, ludicrously handsome, washboard abs, dick of death. Enough to make all suitors dispense with all sanity. At last they’ve found the pinup of their teenage masturbatory fantasies. They know absolutely nothing about the real you? No matter. It’s not your inner life they want to probe.

Problem with being the perfect guy 2: Everyone hates you

Few people understand the thin line between love and hate better than the perfect gay man. And few creatures are more vengeful and vicious than a homosexual scorned. 

Those who don’t win your affections are liable to become disproportionately evil. Indeed, expect some to devote their life’s work to decimating your fine reputation to all and sundry. Mr. Too Damn Hot will always inspire jealousy and resentment.

Why do you hate me? Just why? Am I too hot for you? 🤪

Problem with being the perfect guy 3: You’re a superficial slut magnet

The perennial challenge of being the perfect gay man is to find someone who adores you endlessly fascinating personality and scintillating intellect. Not just your God-like body. Not only your Botticelli angel face. Or your super-sized schlong. Someone who sees you as a fallible, feeling human being. Not some vile Dorian Gray stereotype. 

The perfect guy’s bullshit detector must be ever-ready. Brace yourself for an onslaught of superficial queens who are only interested in using you as an old mattress. Those who do have substance are the ones who won’t worship at the altar of your gorgeousness. Which means you’ll probably ignore them. 

Problem with the perfect guy 4: People assume you’re arrogant

Or unapproachable, intimidating and way out of their league. These are just some of the assumptions people will have about the perfect gay man. 

Another big assumption which goes hand in hand with arrogance: other guys won’t take you seriously. Why? Because they automatically cast you as The Player. The Flirt. Or even worse, what follows below…

Get a load of this guy 😒 Hey! Im not arrogant, maybe im just too hot for you? 

Problem with being the perfect guy 5: You’re cast as a brainless Himbo 

You’re the Ken Doll of the gay world. Beautiful but brainless. Regularly mistaken for little more than a common prostitute. You’re good for only one thing – and your merchandise has probably been so well-pummelled that it has all the suction of a knackered sanitation system. Yes, more hurtful assumptions that you can expect to define your beautiful but sad existence.

The net result is that you’re reduced to yet another must-have accessory. The perfect guy to pose with at a party. But you’re the Mistress who becomes the spinster of the parish. Your fate? To be used up and discarded when next season’s fresher, prettier design comes into fashion.

Problem with being the perfect guy 6: Just too much choice

Part of being one of the beautiful and the damned is that everyone wants a piece of you. You’re so in demand, your life is not your own. Because you set the trends, people – especially aforementioned rancid queens – will ruthlessly exploit their vague associations with you for their own selfish ends. And your eventual downfall.

And then there are the endless temptations that being the perfect gay man can only bring. You can have anyone you want. And have. Where’s the challenge of the chase? Your conquests are abundant – but your genuine friends few. Where does this leave your self-esteem? Ironically, perhaps some notches lower than balding middle-aged-love-handled Colin from Accounts who repeatedly dreams of one thing – being you.

You? Or you? Or maybe you? Ahhhh I'll just pick all of you 😍

Problem with being the perfect guy 7: The cost of being a vain bitch

“Beauty is a short-lived tyranny,” said Socrates. And all beauty and youth must fade. The perfect gay reaches the pinnacle of desire effortlessly. He’s born the fantasy of thousands. The unobtained dream, to be revered and reviled in equal measure. Only one thing can remain: a spectacular fall from grace.

And how the perfect guy must dread this moment. The devastation of his once divine face to mere handsomeness – or worse. Handsomeness, a byword for crumbling beauty. An unhealthy obsession with one’s looks can only lead to emptiness, once age, that indomitable, cruel mistress, has her inevitable way. 

Still looking for the perfect guy? But seeking substances as well as looks? Check out thousands of profiles on Gays.