Gay loneliness: 10 tips on how to overcome it

Loneliness is epidemic in the gay community, with queer people far more likely than heterosexuals to commit suicide. Are you gay and lonely? From finding your tribe to discovering life purpose, Alex Hopkins offers 10 ways to fight isolation and start to feel included and loved.

 

'I don’t want you to end up gay and lonely,' I remember my mother saying to me. In the 1990s, when I came out, it was arguably a valid fear. The image of the lonely and tragic gay man was still dominant.

 

As the decades have passed, gay men have won unprecedented legal rights. Yet the problem of gay loneliness remains. 

 

 

Indeed, it has been called an epidemic. It has even been linked with multiple health conditions, including heart disease. But why are so many of us still suffering in this way? And, more importantly, what can we do to alleviate crushing loneliness in gay men?

 

Why does loneliness affect gay men?

The reasons behind gay loneliness are complex and vary from one person to another. But it often starts in childhood. We grow up feeling different, apart from our straight peers. And as a result, we often experience homophobia. This can leave deep scars.

 

Moreover, this trauma is frequently carried into adulthood. Being gay and lonely has been linked to substance abuse, low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. Most disturbingly, research shows that gay people are up to 10 times more likely to commit suicide than heterosexuals. 

Fight gay loneliness by finding your tribe shutterstock/DisobeyArt

 

Additionally, modern life plays a role. Technology means we’re more connected than ever yet also less connected. LGBTQ+ venues across the world continue to close at alarming rates. And this has coincided with the rise of app and hook-up culture, which can exacerbate our isolation and gay loneliness.

 

And then there are the pressures gay men place on one another. Racism and body fascism abound, meaning it’s no wonder some gay men feel like pariahs within their own community. 

 

Gay loneliness: 10 ways to try to overcome it

So, what can we do to support ourselves one one another? Here are 10 steps you can take to make yourself feel loved and included if you are gay and lonely. 

 

1. Acknowledge your loneliness

There’s a lot of shame associated with gay men and loneliness. But the first step to overcoming your sadness is accepting it. You can then move beyond it.

 

'Admitting that I was lonely was the hardest bit,' says Paul, 60. ‘I felt there was something wrong with me. But I started to tackle it by talking to a trusted, close friend.’

 

2. Try therapy 

Having the courage to face the root causes of our loneliness through therapy can be a vital step in countering it. Check out Pink Therapy for qualified LGBTQ+ therapists.

 

RELATED: Being Gay and Happy – Talking About Depression

 

‘Much of my loneliness came from being bullied at school,’ says Elliott. ‘I had to learn to trust my peers to move forward. And therapy helped there.’

 

3. Re-discover lost interests

What were the things you found pleasure in as a child? Devote time and commitment to rediscovering those hobbies and interests.

 

“Being gay and lonely has been linked to substance abuse, low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. Most disturbingly, research shows that gay people are up to 10 times more likely to commit suicide than heterosexuals.”

 

‘I spent a lot of time living in my head, in my imagination, as a boy. Lots of gay men did,’ says Paul. ‘So, I think we’re all to some extent gay and lonely. But rather than look at that as a negative, I’ve worked hard on going back to those long, lost pleasures: drawing and painting in my case.’

 

4. Find your tribe

But interests are not meant to be enjoyed solely alone. Discover ways to find your tribe and connect with other guys who share your passions to reduce gay loneliness. For example, groups like London’s Gay Mates offer a wide range of social meet-ups. And then there are specific interest-oriented groups like Gaymers iNC.

 

‘I love walking. It helps me relax,’ says Elliott, 40. ‘I joined Outdoor Lads here in the UK. There are guys from all different walks of life and a real sense of togetherness.’

Reduce loneliness through a gay walking group, such as OutDoor Lads Instagram/OutdoorLads

Hopefully there is a group close to you, wherever you live. Furthermore, you don't necessarily need to join a LGBTQ+ group that shares your hobby. Joining a group inclusive of all sexualities may even open you up to new sorts of friendships with people you may have assumed you have nothing in common with (eg, straight men!). You may surprise yourself. Which leads us too...

 

5. Look beyond the gay scene

The gay commercial scene offers a plethora of delights and debaucheries. But it can also feel tiresome and empty. And if it isn’t offering you the fulfillment you need, try moving beyond it. 

 

 

‘The gay scene is very sexualised,’ says Joel, 23. ‘That can also make you feel empty and alone when the club closes. Remember that your sexuality is only one aspect of your fabulousness.’

 

6. Watch sex, drugs and intimacy

When we’re gay and lonely, we may seek quick fixes. In many cases, this is sex – including ChemSex – as it’s often available on tap. But its promises of intimacy and meaningful, long-lasting connections are often illusions.

 

RELATED: Chemsex – the reality

‘I got into the chillout and party and play scene,’ says Elliott. ‘It’s a real issue with gay men and loneliness. But genuine intimacy comes from working hard towards building relationships.’

 

7. Beware of app overload

With a mere click, we can access hundreds of men to hook-up with via gay dating apps. Really consider how you use the apps: how you treat others, how you conduct your conversations. Then focus on bringing those virtual meets into the real world.

 

‘After my partner died, I fully understood what gay loneliness meant,’ says Paul. ‘I gave the apps a go. But I found the ways guys talked – if you can call it that – to each other online was horrible. Gay guys can be really vile to each other. And the apps can facilitate that. I still use them. But I’m careful. And where possible I try to meet guys for dates or just friendship.’

Lonely and gay? Try meeting guys for friendship and not just sex

 

8. Channel (positive) online interaction

Sometimes it’s tough to meet in the ‘real world’. For example, you may live in a remote area. Or money may be a problem. But this doesn’t stop you from striking up friendships online. Make the most of forums such as TrevorSpace, an affirmative online community for young LGBTQ+ people.

 

“Interests are not meant to be enjoyed solely alone. Discover ways to find your tribe and connect with other guys who share your passions to reduce gay loneliness.”

 

‘Chatting online to guys going through similar issues helped me enormously, says Joel. ‘There’s help out there. Don’t be afraid to reach for it.’

 

9. Find a purpose

…or something bigger than yourself in this strange, confusing world. When we’re feeling lonely, we’re often consumed by dark feelings. And this can make us retreat further into ourselves. One way to move beyond this and confront gay loneliness is to connect with something bigger than ourselves. To find a new purpose. So, consider volunteering and charity work. Or fighting for LGBTQ+ rights.

 

‘There’s a vibrant LGBTQ+ rights movement now,’ says Joel. ‘And it’s really exciting. Sure, gay people in the West have many rights. But others around the world are still persecuted. I started meeting with guys who were working to change that.’

 

10. Embrace your outsider status

Gay loneliness isn’t just about an absence of friends or company. It can be a state of mind. And we often feel lonelier when we’re constantly comparing ourselves with others and what they have or are doing.

 

However, by embracing our individuality and status as ‘outsiders’, we can begin to forge our own way in the world and foster a stronger sense of self.

 

 

‘I’ve learned to celebrate what people thought of as my weirdness,’ says Elliott. ‘And a lot of this has come by linking up with other guys in the queer community. Guys who reject the norm.’

 

The bottom line: gay loneliness

Generally, we now live in much more accepting and hopeful times for LGBTQ+ people. And young queer kids especially are not facing the horrendous homophobia of previous generations. Yet gay loneliness hasn’t gone away. How do we solve this? We can begin by openly discussing our feelings and looking out for one another. We are, after all, all in this together.  
Main image: shutterstock/Sabrina Bracher

 

Are you gay and lonely? You needn’t be. Our online community offers a happy and supportive space in which you can connect with like-minded guys, whatever your interests. Sign-up today!