Secret history of the dildo

The dildo is the oldest sex toy available. But what are its origins and how has it evolved over time? Alex Hopkins traces the dawn of the dildo.

The trusted dildo now comes in every conceivable shape and size, and for some, the more extreme, the better. Is that an instrument of pleasure or a medieval torture device, you may ask? There’s arguably a fine line between the two – at least for the greediest power bottom. But where did it all start? 
 

Paleolithic pleasure

Let’s go back 2.6 million years, to the end of the Ice Age. People may have primitive back then, but they sure had their priorities in place: alongside those essential tools for cutting and chopping came the earliest version of the dildo. Fashioned out of carved bone, siltstone or wood, the dildo was finished with lovely high gloss – for obvious reasons!
 

Randy Romans

Anything debauched usually leads us back to the Greeks and Romans.  The Olisbos was a phallus-shaped object which Greek men gave to their wives to stop them becoming hysterical when they departed for war (hysteria has a big part to play in the development of sex toys, funnily enough). And then there’s all the well-documented hot male-on-male action. The Romans were also credited with creating the first double-ended dildo. And as for Greek guys? Well, they got so horned up that they’d even reach for a stick of stale bread!

Carry on cumming, Cleo

Cleopatra: damn that wench – she could have any man she wanted! The ultimate temptress was so insatiable that she allegedly created the earliest form of a vibrator: a hollowed-out gourd filled – wait for it – with angry bees. Yes, and you thought only Kylie-loving muscle boys went to extremes for the ultimate prick.
 

The rampant Renaissance

The Renaissance was a time of excess, when everything had to be as ornate as possible – and this extended to the dildo, celebrated as much for being an object of art as for its pleasure-giving qualities. It’s here that we see the beginnings of the word we use now: ‘diletto’ was Italian for ‘delight.' No upper-class residence was considered complete without a silver or ivory dildo.
 

Screaming queen

As the twentieth century dawned, rubber became the material of choice – but then came the greatest development of them all: electricity. To combat female hysteria, doctors found that by inserting an electrically charged vibrating device into the vagina they could bring about a hysterical paroxysm, which would magically resolve all those ‘female troubles.'  Or, in other words, they introduced a generation of ladies to the joys of cumming.  Soon General Electric was making the fifth household electrical compliance – yep, you guessed it, the vibrator. So, you see, us gays have a lot to thank women!
 

The dildo dare

Glass, Pyrex, silicone, steel – the materials may have evolved, but they all do the same job, with manufacturers stretching the bounds of possibility (and Lord knows what else) as they promise you the orgasm of all time.  

Feeling brave?  Brace yourself for these beauties:

Fleshlight’s Freaks Collection - dildos shaped from horror creatures – says it all!

The Scorpenis - this one could poison your man pussy.

The King Dong - surely a challenge for even the most robust power bottom.

Baby Jesus Butt Plug - what would the pope think? Send him one for Christmas!