Hope I Didn't Screw Everything Up - Love and Romance

[Dy****]

My biggest *** was that I will hurt the ones I love threw running off at the mouth. Growing up I was always a lat priority and as an adult for the most part I maintain last priority.

Its crazy that now I find myself in a happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationship and I thought I left my "baggage in MI when I moved to TX but it seems I didn't.

I am now beginning to get on my feet and I feel blessed to be in the presence of such a perfect person but the other day I made a comment that has bothered me since.

We were in a store and me and my girlfriend was picking out toys to send to my kids and it seemed like she kept picking such expensive toys and all I could think of is how much they cost.

Now you have to keep in mind that my kids are far from spoiled... I take them to stores to visit toys rather the buy them.

But cost doesn't matter to her. I kept on saying no that costs to much to the toys she picked out...even though they were perfect. Then I asked her why would she spend that kind of money on kids she don't even know or have ever met. I regretted it the moment I said it. It hurt her.

I didn't mean to hurt her. In my head spending that kinda money on someone else kids is jst crazy. I can understand it if its was after we brought them down and we were finally a family but the unconditional is mind boggling.

I *** that when they get here she wont like them and regret it. I don't want to be anyone's burden and I don't want my kids to be there burden either.

She's single young with no real responsibilities. I don't want me and my kids to ever hold her down or her to feel like she has to take care of my responsibilities.

Yes we are in love but I was ***d to grow up because I had kids I don't want to *** her into anything by her feeling like she has to. I want us to be a family but I don't want her to let go of her youth.

I love my babies to death but any mother can feel me when I say My babies are my blessing.....and my burden. I don't want her to have to sacrifice like I did for my family.

She took it as I was telling her its not her kids. Like I don't want her to buy my children anything. Or that she needs to have my permission to spend on my kids which isn't it at all. She can do what she want jst doesn't have to. She is one of the few blessing I have in my life.


I feel like damaged goods.
How do I clarify what I mean? Or am I in the wrong?

[To****]

dats a blessing to have someone to bless you through your kids...i would probably say you don't have to spend dat much money...pending on her finances... but if money was not an issue... i say spend spend...and bless me with dat same spirit..

[Dy****]

I jst want her to know she doesn't have to and its took like I don't want her to. How do I let her know she doesn't have to spend anything but time without her thinking its personal?

[Deleted Member]

I understand this all to well... I'm the mom of 2 children and I have been there.... Very recently in fact... So what I would tell her is that all my kids need from you is time and love but anything else you would live to give or get them is just an amazing bonus. You made the choice to have your babies because the blessing was more then the burden. You have to understand when she fell in love with you she made the same choice.

[Deleted Member]

DyAnn, I like what Amber said especially the part about your kids needing time and love and anything else being a bonus... nice and true.

Although I have no children, I like kids and play with my nieces and nephew whenever we're together. I use to take care of my oldest niece when she was a baby and her early development; I worked nights and this helped my *** out tremendously. My friends and family always say the same thing, that I'm good with kids and should have a few of my own, but I never did.

At any rate, I was dating this woman with a son and she knew how I am with kids, but one day when we were discussing something about him, she yelled and said, "he's not your kid." Now I must say that she caught me totally off guard, it wasn't warranted, and it was hurtful. Instead of making things better, she made things worse with her explanations. So I would say to you... be careful. She obviously loves you and your children as you indicated. Everyone needs love, especially children, and it doesn't matter if she's related to them or not... she wants to be there.

[Dy****]

Thats great Beatrice and I want her there I jst dont want her to feel like she has to do so much. I see what all she has done so far and shes doing alot. I afraid one day she will think I'm using her.
And amber thanks I do realize that now. I never allowed my kids to be involved in my relationships cause they dont seem to last and my kids take people leaving personal, but on the other hand nobody really wanted to

[Deleted Member]

exactly you just need to understand that she is making the same choice you did and she can love them just as you do

[Jeanie_Baker]

First of all I would apologize to her and tell her you do understand how excitied she was to feel part of their lives and you were out of place not understanding that at first and you are sorry for hurting her. Let her know you are blessed that she cares so much and how much you love her for wanting to be a part of their lives and you WANT her to be a part of their lives - simply and easy -but at the time you did think maybe your kids might get spoiled from her generosity and did not think when you spoke and put your foot in your mouth. We all do it. I do it to my own kids out of concern and they take it as an attack but even when we tell our children our feeling or concerns, we are telling them they have no control of who they are. So I am learning that now with my own kids being in their 30's. Yes it is a touchy subject. You also must give her permission to give her opinion as my kids have not done this with me and its has caused me much anguish.

[Deleted Member]

DyAnn, I don't think she'll think you're using her if you're always appreciative... trust me it goes a long way. She seems to be embracing your family as being a part of it. And Amber is right, include her in your lives and I'm sure everything will work out fine.

[Sa****]

tell her exactly what you said here. i've been in your girlfriends' shoes. my partner has a son & all the sudden i had to think about what would be kid appropriate things to do around town and my partner loved me for thinking that way.
i know it's hard to open up and realize that your girl WANTS to be a part of your life...i've been there too. but she does and ya have to let that old "childhood" feeling go.
besides the expensive toys. there are going to be a lot of other discussions involving your kids while y'all are trying to become a family. you'll have to learn to communicate these things with her.
by the way. WELCOME TO TEXAS!!!

[To****]

I think relationships are so personal, precious and powerful... and the grounds rules should be the same... it's up to the couple to define there inner and outer workings...

[Jo****]

Just be honest with her and tell her why you feel the way you do.

[Deleted Member]

well I think she already accepts that you have kids even though she hasn't met them...they are part of who you are....and you said it yourself they were the perfect toys....I understand that you don't spoil your kids....but you are also apart from your kids not that these toys are going to change things...but as you said if they are perfect and you are sharing the burden...you are a couple and this is what (to me it says that) she wants to do....let her...as a mother myself sometimes you have to swallow your pride....and let someone help.....and to me it seems your partner is willing to help....I think the next step is to talk to her about how it is....and so on.....

[To****]

Paulette I agree communication, is a valuable key...with a good heart...