Heartbroken - Love and Romance

[Sa****]

I kind of forgot about this website over the last few months, but it's excactly what I need right now. For the last ten months I have been dating someone, that I love with all my heart and soul. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and has suffered from depression and self harming over the years. When I first got with her I got told how hard it would be, because of her health issues, but she only properly got diagnosed a few months ago (before that they just tried to medicate her for the "symptoms" if you so want). I have my own issues with things I have been through in the past, that I have worked through. But experiences shape who you are and so it never quite goes away.

We were doing so well, I proposed to her. I really truly love her with all my heart. However a couple of weeks ago (we live together and we had finally found routines we are both comfortable with etc), everything changed. Part of the Borderline Personality Disorder is that people get extremly impulsive and if they get the urge to do something, they just go out and do it. Another part of it is the near inability to understand other people's feelings and emotions. Long story short, we were meant to spend time together twice and twice she walked out on me last minute to go to the pub where she works and drink. She gets so drunk she throws up on occassion. And I am sorry, but to me, when you are 37 you "should have" grown out of that...Anyway, we have been through this before and this was our second chance at this relationship. We split up once before, for the same reasons. I try to live by "Don't make someone your priority that only makes you an option". She still loves me and I still love her and financially it is going to take me a few weeks to move out. But it's so hard seeing her everyday, especially since everything we built up together is gone. She cut her hair so short, I could mistake her for a military bloke, she started smoking again...I know you can't change people and I tend to think that if it didn't work the first (and second) time, it's probably not meant to be. Am I making a mistake? Should I give us another chance? Love to hear from you all! xxx

[Deleted Member]

First of all, I think it's really sweet that you have this relationship with her. However it doesn't seem like it is working unfortunately. Some people just don't grow out of going out and getting wasted. If you think you can handle the impulsiveness then I say go for it. That's just who she is, everything comes at a price. Then again if it hasn't worked this time I think you should move on, some things just aren't meant to be..

[Betsy_Lipe]

OMG!!! I too have a relationship with a borderline personality person. She was treated like crap by her mom when she was growing up so that may have triggered it. She also has a schizo brother and a *** with mental illness. So we met last yr. She was all about growing old with me and loves me so much and she also has the tendency to put herself down and feel disgusting with her self. She recently had one of her impulsive things and she got rid of her house and moved to a very small 2 bedroom apartment with her 2 boys. She ran me off and was going to break up with me. She does this kind of thing every spring. I am thinking it is a cycle of sorts with her. she picks at her arms too. Hence self mutilation. So she needs down time. They don't do well with relationships because they have a *** of rejection and abandonment so they do the rejecting first. I am trying to get her to hang in with me til this is over with. but she no longer wishes to live with me at all. Just see me here and there. She is running scared and can't understand why I am so nice to her all the time. she also has congestive heart failure and a son that has a heart thing and adhd and Aspergers. she has a good long lasting relationship with a bff of 22 yrs and I figure if she can hold on to that she can do a relationship too. But I am really afraid I am going to be hurt in the end because of her impulsive spending and moving all the time and freaking out on relationships. she use to have meetings at hotels here and there with women she would meet up with. It's crazy....she doesn't cheat on her partners though she just dumps them out of insecurity. IT's crazy insane I know. I don't know what to do about it. thankfully its not been much longer than a year with her. they tend to get numb and shut down their feelings they compartmentalize them and close them off at will. it is strange. she tells everyone she has depression only but I know better than that. she shows all the signs of borderline personality. You might wanna cut your losses and move on. They do tend to *** alcohol and *** too.

[Deleted Member]

Right. I'd like to give the perspective of a sufferer of BPD (yes, I have it) and Clinical Depression. First thing you need to understand is that SHE CANNOT HELP IT. The same way a mute can't talk, she can't control her impulses. Her behaviour is mostly a mask for the fact she feels worthless and empty and needs to find a thrill to fill the void. Contrary to popular belief, Borderline's DO understand other people's emotions, if anything, they can be the most empathetic people you'll come across.
Yes, being in a relationship with a Borderline who hasn't been through the treatment to recognise and improve their symptoms can be a struggle.
What it really comes down to is not giving in to the demands of a Borderline (it conditions us to believe that every time we do it, we'll get what we want). Boundaries are imperative too.
Urge her to seek further medical help, if she refuses then don't damage yourself holding on to a relationship.
As much as I will defend anybody suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (trust me, it is absolute hell to live with ) it's important that you look after yourself.

[Betsy_Lipe]

thank you for that insight. I have some psych education in me. I have tried to deal with this. but she said she was only dealing with depression. she asked me if I believed in lying by omission. I said if it was intentional omission of some information then yes..... So I think she was talking about that. I kept wondering what was going on at times. Her self loathing and feeling disgusting sometimes. She would change her clothes because she felt ugly in what she had on.... Then she suddenly decides to get rid of her home she had just bought out of the blue 2 yrs ago and moves on a whim to a small apartment and her sons were all upset over it. She was upset and said she didn't know what she wanted but she loves me and wants to make it work but she is confused. I believe her. I am confused now. I never dealt with this type before. Bipolar was bad enough. She see's a therapist well a psych that also says she does psychic stuff but everyone thinks she is doing her more harm than good. She is only on Prozac for depression and she says she been on very high doses but weened herself down to a very small dose. She also has depression with anxiety disorder. So, I am scared to see what is coming next. I don't dare say anything bad about her psychiatrist because she likes her cuz of her weirdness and will defend her. She said she is like the mother figure she never had and she doesn't judge her and her thoughts on things. But she also has caused her problems with her relationships by telling her if she liked the person or not that she describes to her. So far her psych thinks I am good for her. She told her to allow herself to be loved and she told her to relax. She is always fidgeting too a leg shaking or bouncing off the floor...etc. The impulsive stuff is crazy... she spends a lot of money too on things... she said she just gets something in her head and has to do it. I asked her if she read up on BPD and she said yes some why?? I said well don't get mad but that sounds like what you suffer from. She said she isn't mad...but she won't discuss it with me. I wonder if she is embarrassed that I found out....

[Deleted Member]

Unfortunately, with therapy there's always the risk that it does more damage than good. It would definitely be a good idea to get her away from that particular therapist. Your best bet, and it sounds horrible, is to take advantage of the split she will have at some point. By split, I mean when she stops idealising this person and starts demonising her. That way, you'll be able to use it to your advantage to put her in help with a better person.
I am entirely empathetic with what you're going through, I pushed away a lot of people and hurt them when I was at my worst, having lost almost everything to my impulsive behaviour and mood swings, I put myself into check a lot more. She will too, in time. Let her know you support her, but don't let her consume your life.

[Betsy_Lipe]

yeah well she been seeing this one for 6 yrs. I don't get the demonizing thing. What is with that. Is a safety thing to keep from getting hurt or what? She is trying to hang in and get back to what she was but I tell you from what I read she is doing the negative thing with me. Finding reason to not be with me. She will get very mad if I put down her psych. She trusts her for some reason. she said she gets her quirkiness and doesn't judge her. Well hells nah...she gets her money from her. she burns incests and waves crystals over her to put her in balance. that is only as strong as the person believes it to be. its trickery if you ask me. I wish she would admit she has this and get different meds for it ... its silly to just be on very low dose of Prozac...

[Betsy_Lipe]

how would I know when the split occurs?? cuz right now I think she is aimed at me because she feels I will abandon her or at some point reject her. I have not even indicated anything like that. She is a very nice person. She refuses to be mean to anyone cuz that puts her like her mom. I think her mom has this and Julia suffered from it. HEr mom would make her ask for just a drink of water. Told her nothing is hers cuz she bought it. She would slap her face and tell her to stop being ugly and to smile at church or she was gonna slap her. Julia got lost in books. She started to read at an early age cuz they didn't have TV and they couldn't listen to radio. So now she watches TV all the time and she spends on stuff way too expensive. Also her mom would only let her have 2 fingers deep of bath water and only 2 squares of toilet paper... it was so crazy

[Deleted Member]

Demonising is basically where they'll see that person as the worst person in the world, you'll know because she'll maybe refuse to see her psych. If she's what we call a "quiet" Borderline (like myself) You won't realise it's happening because she's internalising it. She needs to back away for sure from that shrink. That kind of thing is not good, especially if she's just using your girl to make money.

[Teri_Baker]

I think you have to shop for a good psychiatrist or therapist just like you do a doctor or any other person you you need medical help from. But have a reliable friend tell you about what the medications are doing to you. The doctors won't tell you that they are snowing you and you are sedated. And not all therapist or psychiatrist are going to be good. You have to check them out.An not everyone acts the same with the same condition. Even using the same medications.. It is a kind of hit or miss game on that one how the patient will react to the medications. In relationships, you get people with all kind of problems.And one wonders why some people didn't seek therapy.LOL

[sa****]

reading this you sound like a strong lady, i've never had to deal with a person that way, love is a very powerful thing, but when will you get time when does your mind stop, when wil u take controll and not be controlled. you love her that's a beautiful thing but when do u start loving u i wish you the best and have much respect but u gota be happy first my belief the best love is loving yourslf and being able to love another for who they are but if i cant deal with it i focus on loving me controlling me and being able to walk away with peace it's a very tough job it's more than a challenge and i love a challenge as well as lovvvvvving me it's easier said than done many blessings

[Betsy_Lipe]

well it is over. She wants a clean break. She can't get back to the place we were. So I agreed. I just don't think I have it in me to do this with her. I will be replaced pretty quick. That's how she works. She says she wants to be alone but she doesn't really. She thought she couldn't work US into this small apartment and figured she will end up losing me in the process so she got rid of me first I guess. It is a never ending cycle for her to do this. I am single and looking again for a very SANE woman. I am done with mental cases. IT is just way too much for me to deal with..

[Betsy_Lipe]

she would never leave Gretchen. her psych... she likes that she is like a mother figure to her and she also does psychic readings on the side and she uses incents and crystals to balance her. I say that is only as strong as the believer. If you say bad things about her she will get mad and defend her. I am done. she will do what she always does and I am sure I will be replaced soon. She will tell that person her whole life story many times over and over and then push them away too. She is never with anyone for very long .... I am the longest that lasted with her... the last one was 6 months. It's just insane. I don't understand it at all. I try but I can't.

[Teri_Baker]

I can't agree much with using all those crystal and incense. Sounds like hocus pocus and not therapy. There is no true valued work involved in working out her problems.A therapist to work on your issues to help you achieve goals,not babysit you and hold your hand. That way you can learn and get on with a better life.

[Sa****]

Thank you all so much for your comments. They have been immensly helpful, especially since some of you have personal experience with BPD.

I found that with Jill they just medicated her for two years until she stopped self harming and only now did they give her a diagnosis and she started seeing a Psychologist for a form of Therapy called Mentalisation. She has been doing that for a few months and it seems to be helping her. I hav

e put myself first and made it clear to her that she needs to deal with her health issues (I don't mean her illness, I mean the smoking that makes her asthma worse, the not doing housework etc by herself) and that I will definitely get a flat on my own. If some months down the line, she manages to look after the house and, more importantly herself, who knows. I do love her to pieces and I wanted to spend the rest of my live with her. The ball is in her cout now xxx

[Ju****]

Sarah.

My relationships before this heathy one for the last 2 years, we were both back to back with damaged people. Both coming from having a mother who was not well mentally, having a guilt trips for not helping others enough..

Those relationships cost us each dearly financially, mentally and at the end effected me to a point, I realized I needed help myself.

It would be helpful to have a support group for yourself who can advise you on how to be in a relationship with some one who has issues.... So you don't find yourself in a long term codepended couple who spiral down slowly for a long time.

My last one... I still have a order of protection against my former partner.... Should have left the first time she start to beat me.

Loving some one start with making sure you can stay strong enough to love the person.....

Thanks for sharing your story.

[Betsy_Lipe]

thanks for the information. This still just blows me away. I know she was freaking out over the move and she then freaked thinking I would leave her if she did this. I assured her it would be okay but she just went with what she thought was going to happen. I still am in limbo over the whole thing. One day its all fine and then WHAM it's over. Just isn't right to do someone like that. I know it's in her head and she was confused too but it doesn't make it any better.

[Teri_Baker]

I am sorry to hear she just up and left you. It must be hard to try to put the pieces together when she left you without being able to get closer. Making sense out of how thing went the way they did on your own is very hard to do and you have so many unanswered questions. You can always come back here and ask some of the questions. It will take awhile to settle yourself after such a shock. Be patient with yourself. It is not your fault you don't have the answers. Be kind and take care of you. Hugs.

[Betsy_Lipe]

thank you. she does talk to me here and there. Today her bp is up and she has to lay down for a while. She isn't being mean. We do have to resolve this thing that happened. I do need answers from her. All she told me was she need this time out for a bit and maybe she will talk then and see how we both feel. I am not really angry at her. I am reading up on this stuff and trying to understand her thinking on things. It is very interesting but scarey too. The whole process is a jumble. Also I don't know if she just isn't saying to anyone she has this or if she really doesn't know she has it. She has to know something is clearly not right. But I will not be hateful to her for it. That won't do me or her any good and she will make me out to be a bad person. I am being nice to her. She said I haven't done anything wrong so clearly is resides on her. Ya think??? That does not help me at all that she just takes the blame for it. Does no answer a damn thing to me.

[Teri_Baker]

It is sad that she has some mental health issues, but not everyone follows the textbook on the way one would act. This all depends on the upbringing and environment and how she has had to deal with it since she learned about it and if she is learning acceptable ways to work with it. She has to work on her issues and try to convey them to you when she understand them. It is very difficult to come to understand some of these things happening to yourself and wanting to be accepted by someone you love when you might feel so weird or awful about yourself. Our society puts a stigma on people who have mental health issues and tthat could make her want to shy away, scared of rejection. Its like a double whammy with her being a lesbian. Both of you need so much support. I am here for either one of you to talk about any of this. I have been through so much in my life and I would love to be an ear for you. Life is hard and uncertain.Hugs and love to you

[Betsy_Lipe]

well I got her to talk to me. I told her I am not angry with her. I needed to know what was going on. I wanted to know what happened. She said she has had a life changing experience and needs to focus on her and writing her life story. She wants to get her money straightened out and focus on her for a year and then see what happens. she said she couldn't see how she could fit me in on top of that. she could have talked to me about it. I didn't even get that option. So I told her I do not wish her any ill will that I do love her and I did enjoy the time we did have together. IT was a good relationship. We didn't fight or anything like that. We did things together. She just freaked when she moved and thought she couldn't keep me.

[Teri_Baker]

i am sorry to hear that. Sounds so sad and she did tell you what she wanted although she didn't sound like she hadn't answered some of your questions. Is that going to be enough for you? How long were you living together? I am truly sorry that it fell apart like that.And sorry that it ended this way. Many hugs to you and come back and talk about your feelings.

[Betsy_Lipe]

well if other things arise I can ask her. She still talks to me. I am still very confuse about the whole thing. I really believe it stems from her mom telling her she isn't loveable. So she feels she isn't and so she just does this pattern of dumping people. It is more sad for her because she can never really know what its like to be in a good relationship for a long time. But she still hurts others in the process by pulling them in to her ideal of how they are together and then she dumps them all the sudden. She told me I was perfect for her and she wanted a life with me and I am her best friend and soul mate. then wham here we are...

[Teri_Baker]

All of that must hurt when you feel you were soul mates. Parents can hurt their children so much by saying such negative thing like they are unlovable, because they can't or aren't capable of loving them. That's simply the truth, the parents are the ones to blame for it, not the child, but to blame it on the child is so horrible and then they carry if on for the rest of their lives. You did all you can to shower her with the love you have for her. It is very difficult to convince her otherwise, and to get her to not play those tapes her parents have her playing in her head. She has to stop playing them. She has to stop listening to them and know who she really is. She must be in search of herself, but she needs to get away from thosepeople who who tell her negative things. You were good for her self-esteem. You gave her love for who she was and she was not sure who that was at the time. She will be thinking of that. You are a great person for giving her that. Hugs and keep your chin up. I know its hard. .