Alexander_Maldonado Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 Don't lie. I am positive that everyone here has at one point in their life has dealt with feelings of negativity toward ourselves, depression, and or low self-esteem when it comes to relationships. I want this discussion to be based on OURSELVES and no one else. So please don't come in here and start posting things about how a significant other treated you and how its all their fault and bla bla bla. Just remain focused on YOURSELF. This is an self-esteem advice conversation not a place to bash on your ex. And i guess to get things going I'll start it off with myself. Growing up I was told how i will never become good enough for anyone or anything for that matter. Although the remarks have stopped i can not help but believe it due to the facts that more than one person told me this, that i am 18 and still never been in a real relationship along with many other reasons. I mean if lots of people tell you the same thing about yourself over and over again there must be some truth to it right? I mean come on I'm 18 years old and never had a boyfriend. Now people always tell me that its not me but it is them, that im perfect the way i am. I find this hard to believe. If that was the case all the gay guys i know have something wrong with them and I'm fine the way i am. Bullshit. I know there's something about me but i just cant figure out what. Is it my body? My personality? My personal issues? So just as to quote the title i would like to ask you guys: "Whats wrong with me?"
Deleted Member Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Well I don't know what's wrong with you because I don't know you, but if you're looking for an answer I guess I would say your confidence? Maybe people tell you it's not your fault because it isn't your fault. You simply haven't met someone that you're compatible with and that happens. How could either party be to blame in that situation? Just be patient and the right one will come along. As for me, I'm 18 and I've never been in a relationship. I don't really know any gay guys personally, but I don't go looking much either. I think I know what's wrong with me though. The fact that I always fall in love with the straight guys might be it. Or the fact that I am too shy towards people I don't kniw. But I wouldn't say those are flaws so much as... It just happens to be that way. And sure I'm sad that I haven't had a relationship and I really really want one. But I'm just going to stay patient and distract myself from my loneliness.
Alexander_Maldonado Posted June 27, 2010 Author Posted June 27, 2010 Aww thank you hun you're so sweet. What you said is easier said then done though. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a bitch! And also the fact that im not just sitting around waiting for someone. I do go out and i do try to show confidence but always getting rejected is what supports my feelings of not being good enough. I guess what im trying to say is that no one is giving me any reason NOT to believe the negative feelings towards myself. Now let me guess youre gonna say that i should just be happy with myself no matter what others say. Ive been told this several times but im such a dependent person. Growing up i didnt really have alot of support from anyone but my mom. So when i do make friends with people im very clingy (which could be a reason why im single) for i dont wish to lose them. So when i get rejected or how i remain single supports those negative comments that have been ingrained in my head. Its a cycle. Does that make sense???
Deleted Member Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Oh my gosh you have no idea how much sense that makes to me! I am the same way. SO clingy. I feel like I try to stay close to people but I end up pushing them away. It's kinda contradictory and it makes me sad sometimes. But I know whay you mean. It sucks to look and not find anyone. I kinda stopped looking just cause I get disappointed and I hate that feeling. But yeah, I'll say you should like yourself the way you are but I'm not actually mature enough to believe that myself haha. I get tired of being let down too, but I know something will come along eventually.
Alexander_Maldonado Posted June 27, 2010 Author Posted June 27, 2010 I want to believe that theres someone out there for me but like i said i just feel like........those ideas are ingrained and not easy to remove i guess... Its my biggest *** actually... being alone.
Donald_Polk Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 I am not sure what to say but I have been fighting self esteem problems all my life I am 51 years old. The fact that my only long term relationship of 10 years, would not have lasted so long if I had not been for the fact that I needed his love so desperately. I have never been accepted for who I am. I have also been told I am ugly and one time I was standing on a corner in the city and a guy told me to go back to the sticks where I came from. I had live in the city for 20 years at that point.I have put myself through countless heartaches just because I needed the human touch desperately and let some jerk take advantage of me and use me like a fool. I don't know how to change the image of myself in my own mind but that is the key to changing directions. People who take advantage of others can detect someone with low self esteem and they use that to get what they want from them. I hope I can figure it out before it is too late and I am gone.
Ro**** Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 amen Donald you could not have said it better! now what will we do about that if you figure it out please get a hold of me asap
Deleted Member Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 GRRR.. I dont know what to say but I can't say Nothing!... You 18-yr-olds who are beating yourselves up for never having been in a relationship - GOD! What about those of us who are 34 or more and never really had one? - I thought I did for about 2 months last winter but then I went thru what you describe, Alex - obviously there's something wrong with me but I'm not sure what it is! Actually I knew a lot of things were wrong with me but for each one I told him he said 'that doesn't bother me' or 'well work on that' - then when we finally met face-to-face, that was it - one day of nervous bliss then he dropped me like a hot potato, with a lame excuse a week later that leaves me doubtful. So I have to blame it on his flakiness or cowardice and not myself, otherwise I wallow in self-pity/doubt and get nowhere. I still do but now I'm in counseling for it. So buck up, you've got lots of time yet, and you're not alone in finding how hard it is to find a bf. Don't ask me why I think that is, I've got a pretty cynical theory.
Alexander_Maldonado Posted June 27, 2010 Author Posted June 27, 2010 Thank you Eric. I understand your view of me being so young still and i have plenty of time but to me its not just about not having a bf. For me its alot more then that. I dont just feel unworthy of having a significant other i often feel unworthy of living in general. Its years of being ***d that causes the way i think and feel. Self harm can be traced throughout my entire life not just because im single. As i said its MUCH more then that. Ask the 4 year old Alex who when got frustrated or upset would bang his head against walls and tables. Ask the 6 year old Alex who was just diagnosed with ADHD what it felt to be beaten, and told how he was a waste of air and how he would never be good enough by not only his own father but a stepfather as well. Ask the 11 year old Alex how he was abandoned from his friends on the transition to middle school and had absolutely no friends his seventh grade year. Ask the freshman Alex who since learned that being abusive was ok ended up in juvinail hall for hitting his mother. Or best yet you can ask the 18 year old Alex who just got out of foster care and is still on probation. So dont you dare say that i shouldnt feel the way i do because im "so young" and that i "have plenty of time." As i said its alot more complicated then you think.
Alexander_Maldonado Posted June 27, 2010 Author Posted June 27, 2010 Oh and sorry for that emotional post i just went against my own rule of blaming others. It was completely off topic and i do apologize.
Deleted Member Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 OK I take your point, being thru what you've been thru does complicate things - the guy I thought was my bf told me he was ***d when he was young, so that could have something to do with how he was, though he said he would never change a thing if he could (outwardly he had a pretty good attitude toward life considering)... but I guess my point was that sometimes other people ARE to blame. Being ***d and told you're worthless, as you say you will end up believing it, but you shouldn't. Sure, if you can improve yourself, do so (and being able to put it all in perspective will enable you to do so - who was it that said the unexamined life is not worth living?), but sometimes other guys are just flakes or assholes, and maybe that's because they had tough childhoods too (or they had it too easy - one or the other), but point is it's not always your fault!
Donald_Polk Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Intellectually I do know that we can not control what has happened in the past. The only control we have is what we do and how we react today and in the future. Changing that will change your life. Now I just have to figure out what changes to make and how to implement those changes. That is what you and all of us must think about and work toward. There is no way to control another person. If they want to be with us they will and if they do not they will not. No matter how hard we try or how much we love someone they will only love us back if they choose to. One other thing I know intellectually is that you can not expect someone else to love you if you do not know how to love yourself . I do not know how to implement this either. Alexander you took the first step in learning to love yourself when you hit your mother You were saying with that slap that you were not going to take the *** anymore and it worked. It got you out of an abusive situation. Yes it got you into trouble and on probation but that very well may work in your favor. Do something good for yourself. You are very young. There are many programs for at risk youth that will help you with education and career development. It will help you gain a sense of self worth that you do not have now. I am now attending college for the first time at 51 because the opportunity opened up for me and it really is helping me feel much better about myself.
Deleted Member Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I just quickly browsed through you profile Alex, and by the looks and sounds - there is nothing wrong with you. You seem an intelligent, funny, caring and loving lad. In a bad life experience, things can become complicated. I have lost 2 men in my life due to how i am in a bad situation. it does get better, and you i will meet More and more men one day. Nothing is wrong with you, just keep ya chin up mate...you'll find a boyfriend sooner or later. Some men have waited for years, nearly a life time before they've found their man. My friends uncle was in his 40s when he found his partner. So just hang in there.
Alexander_Maldonado Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 Well i would like to personally thank all of you for your feedback. I went to San Fransisco Pride this weekend and i took your guys advice and had a lot of fun. I also took the advice of my friends who have been telling me for years that i need to let loose, have fun, and stop putting emotions into a situation. That was one of my problems: i go too fast with trying to get in relationships. When i got there i was very excited but that soon faded after i realized all the hot guys and all the couples. I started to mope and it was so obvious that a very sexy mid-twenties man came to me, asked me what was wrong, and told me just to have fun and that i shouldn't mope around during Pride. He then kissed me and left. lol. Well after that i realized everyone was right so i began to have fun talking to guys, dancing with them, getting their numbers, making out, and showing everyone how i can do the splits. hahaha. Lets just say I'm now talking to some of them and I'm having fun for once even though I'm not with anyone. It was a great experience so i thank you all for your support.
Deleted Member Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Good for you! Keep doing what you're doing and it could happen sooner than you think. They always say it's when you're not looking that Mr Right comes along - I dont know if that's consistently true but if you just keep out there and have fun like it doesnt matter, but keep your eyes an ears open, it can't fail. Of course look who's telling you this!- I'm not speaking from experience, but from reason.
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